Moonlight Dwelling

2009 

2010

Dear Diary

What was I thinking when I did this to my hair? I should have bought a wig but instead I hacked my hair and gave myself a crazy new do. No wonder I was attacked by that mystery woman. Damn it I thought I'd be safe and sound with Sydney but instead I'm stuck in jail.

I know I belong here but I just wanted to have my baby. It is hard to admit to others let alone myself that Sydney isn't mine. I've had her all this time and I named her. She's mine damn it and would still be if that person hadn't knocked me out. I still have no idea who it was.

Dear Diary

I guess I should be grateful that I'm allowed paper and pen in here. It seems like thy don't find that threatening after all I could make a shiv or something with the pen. I wouldn't know how but if I'm here long enough I might look into that. Chloe brought me a book so I have something to do when I'm not obsessing over Sydney. I just wish Brady would come to see me. I guess I can't blame him for not coming to see me after what I did but I still kind of hope he'll show up.

I just hate sitting her in my cell not knowing what's going on. Has she been found yet? Who has her? I did remember something about the woman. I saw her boots. They were a great pair of boots I wouldn't mind having myself. Of course I couldn't have them in here since I'm stuck in prison garb but I did love those boots. I bet they're really expensive. I don't think I'd be able to afford them since I don't have any money. I really wish my plan had worked because I wouldn't be stuck in here waiting to find out if Sydney's all right or not.

Dear Diary

I keep thinking about the woman's voice. I heard her speak right before I passed out. I don't know who it could be. I keep praying that I'll figure it out but for all I know Sydney might have been found. I doubt that anyone would even tell me. I guess I can't blame them because she wouldn't be with some stranger if I hadn't taken Sydney in the first place. But of course if I hadn't taken her EJ wouldn't have had his daughter either. No one seems to understand that. This is going to drive me nuts being stuck here unable to do anything. I just wish I knew who that woman was. I know that voice.

I just wish I knew what was going on but no one tells me anything. I was yelling for hours just to get Roman's attention but he didn't believe me. Sydney is his granddaughter so he should be more concerned about finding her. Things could have been so perfect but everything went so wrong. Who in the hell hit me on the head? If it wasn't for her I'd be in Canada with Sydney instead of here in this cell. She was my one chance at having a child. I thought I'd never have one and through a cruel twist of fate I lost my little girl but then I got Sydney. They have to find her.

Dear Diary

I really hate this place. Brady did come to see me. I was losing hope that he wouldn't come to see me. I know he should hate me but he doesn't. Why couldn't I love him instead of EJ? He's the kind of guy any woman would be lucky to have but no I had to be in competition with Sami. Chloe was right about that but I did fall in love with him. He doesn't understand that I did this all for him. He had his little girl. If I hadn't stepped in Sydney would never have known her father and I would have lost him.

Of course I did lose him but maybe just maybe we'll have a chance if I'm able to get out of here. I wonder if temporary insanity would work. I'm just glad that Brady got me a lawyer since that one was just horrible. She got me confused with a shoplifter. If only the judge would have the same problem I'd be out of this place. If I do get out maybe it would be better if I just left. I'm not sure if I could bear to watch Sydney being raised by Sami.

Dear Diary

I wonder if I can get my hair fixed before my trial. I must have been crazy to do this to my hair. The color isn't bad but the haircut I gave myself is horrible. On second thought maybe that will work in my favor. If I go to court with crazy hair that just might help me out of this mess. I know I deserve to be in here but that doesn't mean I want to be in here forever. Maybe a mental ward wouldn't be so bad. I could get out before I'm old and gray.

I could always fix my hair later. It could help in making people feel sorry for me. I need every advantage I can get. I wish I had Stefano on my side. Things were so much easier when he was there for me to count on. I never thought that would happen but it was almost like having a father I guess. I just don't want to go to prison since it was pretty scary before so going the crazy route might be the best option. There's also that orange jumpsuit which is just horrible. I hated wearing that thing.

Dear Diary

What a miserable way to spend Christmas. Chloe stopped by with another book and some cookies. Who knows what the guard did to them but I was glad to have something to eat and read. I can't sleep and I'm still trying to figure out who that woman is. It is so familiar  but I can't place her. It is really driving me crazy. I hope Sydney's okay. Why do I always end up getting screwed? I had this great plan and it just went south. It was like someone knew where I was.

I wonder if Stefano is behind this. It wouldn't really surprise me. I'm sure EJ feels the same way. He can be pretty damn scary if he isn't on your side. It was good having him on my side. I just wish I could close my eyes and remember that woman. I still hear her voice but I don't know who she is. I have to remember so Sydney can be brought home safe and sound. If Stefano does have her at least I'd know she was safe but I really don't know that for sure. This was not how I planned on spending Christmas all alone in a jail cell.

Dear Diary

I dreamed about Sydney last night. Everything was perfect. It was nice to escape from reality for a little while. EJ was there too without him being a total asshole. Now that I've had a lot of time to think I've put up with a lot of crap from him because I was so desperate to be with him. I don't think that's going to happen but I'm not so sure he's going to get Sami back either. Actually I hope he doesn't since he deserves to suffer like I am.

I still can't figure out who the woman is. I keep seeing those damn boots and hearing the woman's voice as she takes Sydney away. Who in the hell is it? I hope Chloe stops by. She's my only friend. I'm not sure if I'll hear from Brady again although he did get me a lawyer. Why couldn't I be in love with him? He's such a great guy but he's with Ari and I'm stuck in here for who knows how long.

Dear Diary

It is now New Year's Eve and still no word about Sydney. I can only count on Chloe to fill me in on anything that happens. There was a vigil for Sydney but so far she hasn't been found. Too bad Marlena isn't here. I'd have her hypnotize me so I could figure out who this woman is. I know the voice but I'm no closer to figuring out who she is. No champagne for me. I didn't expect to be in prison on New Year's Eve.

Soon a new year begins so I'm wondering if I should make any resolutions. I would love to find Sydney of course but I also want out of here. Yes I know I need to be punished but haven't I suffered enough already? I lost my baby and now I've lost Sydney. I just don't know what to do. I've tried praying but it doesn't seem to help. Maybe God doesn't want to help someone like me.

Dear Diary

I wonder if other people in prison make resolutions. The one thing I want would be Sydney home safe and sound. Of course I'd also like to be out of this place too. I just hope I'm not in here for long. My trial starts soon so at least I'll be able to get out of this damn cell. I'll just beg for mercy and hope the judge takes pity on me. 

I never wanted Sydney hurt. I just wanted to have a happy family with a husband and daughter. Now that won't happen. I wonder if Chloe will stop by. I'm just glad I at least have one friend in the world although Brady did come through with the lawyer. He might be there too. I hope so since I need some friendly faces.I'm not sure if I care about anything anymore.

Dear Diary

I was feeling pretty hopeless but Brady came and it was a real boost. I'm going to just beg for mercy. I was such a fool to let him go. I don' t know what I was thinking. He's the one man that's ever loved me for me warts and all. He should hate me. I wouldn't have been surprised if he did but he doesn't.

It did seem like he thought there might be a chance between us. Could there be? Sure I was desperate to be with EJ and have his child but that didn't turn out so well. Instead I ended up in jail with my baby out there with who knows who. I mean Sami's baby. I have to stop saying she's mine because that won't help me if I really do want others to know that I have remorse about what I did.

I'm still having problems sleeping. Every time I close my eyes I see Sydney's sweet little face. She disappears and then I hear her crying. I try to find her but I never do. And then I hear that voice. I wish I could figure out who she is. I just hope she's being good to my little girl. Things could have been so different if I chose Brady instead. Maybe I'd be happy. I might even have a child of my own.

Dear Diary

Well today I had my hearing and I was sentenced to twenty years. At this point I don't care as long as Sydney gets home. It could have been a lot worse. I do deserve to be punished for what I did. It was selfish of me to take Sydney because it led to someone stealing that sweet and precious baby. I can't help but think we all know this woman but I still can't figure out who it is.

I'm glad I was able to say goodbye to Chloe. She's lucky to have Daniel.That should help to be able to keep in touch with Chloe. I can't believe all that time was wasted being at war with each other when we could have been friends. She's been the best friend I've ever had. She deserves to be happy and she has the perfect guy because he loves her so much.

I screwed up big time when I let Brady get away. I hope he's careful about Ari but all I could do was warn him. I didn't really expect to see him but he's always there for me even when he shouldn't be. I should have walked away from EJ when Brady came back into my life. Things would have been so different and maybe my little girl wouldn't be dead. Maybe I would have gotten pregnant and carried her to term. I'll never know if that could have been possible.

Dear Diary

I'm in jail for twenty years. Damn that's a long time. The only good thing is that this horrible hair of mine will grow out. I don't know what I was thinking. It just might be a sign of insanity. I'm not sure how I'll make it but I deserve this and it could have been so much worse. I just wonder who I'll get as a cellmate. Maybe they'll let me have my own cell. I actually liked that about being in the holding cell at Salem PD but this is real jail. 

Maybe the crazy hair will actually scare people off. I might look threatening with this hair. I wonder if they'll let me dye my hair in here. Probably not but I guess I could ask. I should ask Chloe for cigarettes when she comes to visit me. I'm just not sure how often she'll visit since she does have a life while I'm stuck in here. On TV cigarettes seem to be used as currency in jail so maybe I could get some hair color to dye my hair back or maybe I'll keep it this color.

Dear Diary 

The food in here is just awful. I guess I can drop those few pounds I gained when I just couldn't stop eating. No chance for snacking in this place. There isn't anything I'd want to snack on. I think I'd rather eat my blanket first if you can call it that. At least I don't have a roomie at least not yet.

I hope I can stay in here by myself but I know that's just wishful thinking because some big Bertha is bound to show up. I am not looking forward to that. I'm going to see if I can get to the library to see what books they have. I'm going to have a lot of time to read.

Dear Diary

I'm working in the library so things could be worse. I wonder if they've found Sydney yet. I still can't figure out who that woman is. I know that voice but I'm not sure who she is. That is driving me nuts. Throughout the day I hear her voice but still I can't figure it out. I think people think I'm crazy so they don't bother me. I guess I am a bit crazy so it is probably for the best that I keep my crazy hair since it will protect me from the other inmates. I doubt that I'll make any friends here.

I really miss Chloe. It is so strange that I'd be thinking that considering the past. But she's the best friend I've ever had. I never really had any friends that I could count on until we became friends. How weird that two enemies became so close. I even considered Sami a friend which was really weird but sort of nice at the same time. I know she'll never forgive me for taking Sydney and I can't blame her. That sweet baby would be safe right now if I hadn't taken her. I'll never forgive myself for doing that. I just wish I could remember who that woman is.

Dear Diary

Still no news about Sydney. I don't know if she's been found or not. Damn it I wish I could remember who that woman was. I know I've heard her voice before. I'm going to call Chloe again to see if she's heard anything. I feel so out of the loop and the days just drag on and on. I can only read so much in a day. I'm certainly going to catch up on my reading at this rate. I might end up going through the library long before I'm out of here.

I don't even want to think about how I'm going to get through the next twenty years. Sydney will be all grown up. I wish I'd get some news about her. I was so stupid to take her and now I'm stuck in this place while she's out there with who knows who. I just pray that she's all right. I still dream about her and sometimes wake up hearing her cries. If I wasn't able to call Chloe I think I might go insane. I still might if I don't get any news soon.